Greater Love
by Zanza8
Summary: A bullet to the brain leaves Sheppard a changed man and McKay with a difficult choice. Set sometime between McKay and Mrs Miller, and Sunday. No slash.
1. Chapter 1

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friend.

"We're coming in hot!"

McKay's voice sounded frantic over the radio and Elizabeth Weir called an alert. Soldiers surrounded the gate, their weapons at the ready, and Weir pressed a button. "Rodney?"

The scientist's voice rang through the room. "Have a medical team standing by! Sheppard's hurt bad!"

Weir felt sick but she pressed a button and said calmly, "Dr Beckett, we need a medical team in the gate room immediately." She had done everything she could and now she watched tensely as the team ran through the gate, Teyla first, then Ronon carrying Sheppard in his arms, and McKay bringing up the rear, firing back through the gate. "Raise the shield!"

The shield went up and she heard the thuds. She knew what those sounds represented, each one a life being snuffed out, yet as she hurried down the stairs, her attention was focused on the man Ronon cradled. His face was oddly peaceful, his wild black hair soaked with blood, and she looked at McKay for answers. He was bleeding too, from a bullet wound in his arm, and Teyla and Ronon both were cut and bruised. "What the hell happened?"

"We were ambushed," said McKay in a colorless voice, letting his machine gun fall to his side. "Kolya and his men...they were waiting for us and we never saw them until the shooting started. Sheppard was hit and when he went down, they rushed us. We fought them off, then Ronon picked John up and we headed for the gate…"

Weir looked at McKay more closely. It wasn't like him to be so calm reporting something this awful, and she saw that he was in shock. Staring down at Sheppard, she felt the same way. Then Beckett rushed in with a gurney and his assistants, the team was whisked away to the infirmary, and the waiting began.


	2. Chapter 2

Teyla and Ronon were treated and released but refused to leave. McKay uncharacteristically insisted he was fine even as his blood dripped on the floor and it took all of Weir's authority to get him to submit to an examination by a nurse, who recommended stitches and wrapped his arm instead when he declined treatment. Not even she could make McKay sit down through the long hours while Beckett operated on Sheppard. Ronon and Teyla sat quietly with Weir while McKay paced and paced and paced. It was only when he became lightheaded with hunger and blood loss that he finally agreed to stop and eat a Powerbar. Then Beckett came out, his face weary with sadness, and they all stood together to hear the prognosis.

"I wish I had good news," the gentle Scottish doctor began. He sat down with a sigh and they gathered around him. "The colonel was shot in the head. Now I've removed the bullet, and part of his skull as well until the swelling goes down…"

"But…" prompted Weir.

"But there's brain damage. We won't know how bad it is until he wakes up. _If_ he wakes up. His condition is extremely critical and truthfully…" Beckett took in the anxious faces and his voice faltered. "I'm surprised he's made it this far. I have him in a medically induced coma to reduce the stress on his brain, and if he makes it through the next twenty-four hours, I'll have a better idea what his chances are."

"I'm staying with him," said McKay flatly.

"As are we." Teyla's voice was soft but firm and Ronon nodded.

"You're all daft." Beckett rubbed his eyes. "Did you not hear me say the man's in a coma? He won't know you're there." The team regarded him stonily and he sighed. "Aye, well, I knew that's what you'd say. Go ahead, then, but don't touch him. Just sit with him if you must. And keep your voices down." He frowned at McKay. "I'll have a look at that arm now."

"In a minute, Carson." The scientist was already walking away, followed by his teammates, and Beckett sighed.

"It's always the same. Whenever something happens to one of them, they all have to be in there."

Weir smiled with affection. "I can't imagine four people more different. Who would have thought they'd get so close?" Now she was the one who faltered as she thought of the team gathered around their leader, willing him to live, and she asked softly, "Are you sure there's brain damage?"

"No doubt about that, I'm afraid." Becket got to his feet. "He won't be the John Sheppard we knew, but let's not borrow trouble, Elizabeth. The brain has an amazing capacity for healing. Let's just wait and see how it goes.


	3. Chapter 3

How it went was almost a week in a coma, followed by three weeks before Sheppard was awake and aware enough to respond to Beckett. The team rotated, always one of them by the colonel's bedside, and when he finally opened his eyes and smiled at the sight of McKay, Beckett dared to hope that perhaps the damage wasn't as bad as he had thought. Then he started asking Sheppard questions, and all the joy drained out of him, and Teyla took Ronon to spar to let him get some of his anger out, and Elizabeth informed Earth they would need a new military commander for Atlantis.

McKay remained unfazed by it all, convinced that Sheppard just needed some more time. Today was the first day the colonel was going to be allowed out of the infirmary, and the scientist breezed in with as much enthusiasm as if they were going offworld to pick up a fresh ZPM. "Hey, Carson. How's he doing?"

Beckett nodded at the bed, where Sheppard sat watching with interest. "Ask him yourself."

"Feel up to a walk, John?" McKay smiled and Sheppard smiled back.

"You bet, Rondy."

McKay rolled his eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you? It's Rodney. R-O-D-N-E-Y." Sheppard looked a little scared and the scientist patted him on the shoulder. "It's okay, John. You just need to practice speaking a little more, right, Carson?"

Beckett remained silent. He'd tried to tell Rodney, they'd all tried, but he just refused to take it in. He refused to believe the John Sheppard they had known was gone. Beckett found it hard to believe himself. The colonel looked the same. The same wiry body, alert eyes, strong face, that wild hair...how could he look so much like himself and yet be so different? He was growing a beard because he couldn't shave himself and he wouldn't let anyone else shave him, but aside from that, he hadn't changed in appearance at all. The doctor sighed. Better to let nature take its course. McKay wouldn't be able to fool himself forever.

And he didn't. They were back inside of an hour, the colonel shaking like a leaf and sobbing and hanging onto McKay, the scientist as white as a sheet. "What happened, Rodney?"

"I took him to the cafeteria for lunch and he cut himself."

Now Beckett saw that McKay had a napkin wrapped tightly around Sheppard's hand. "How did that happen?"

"I told you, I took him to the cafeteria! Try to pay attention, Carson!"

"Don't tell me to pay attention, Rodney! You gave him a knife, didn't you? I told you he can't handle a knife and a fork, but you didn't believe me." Sheppard cringed at the loud voices and Beckett dialed his tone down. "It's all right, lad. No one's angry at you. Now let me see your hand…"

He reached for the colonel's hand and Sheppard batted him away and clutched McKay tighter. "Rondy! Don't...don't let him…"

He crumpled to the floor and McKay knelt beside him. "It's okay, John." His voice was soft and gentle and he rubbed Sheppard's back until the colonel stopped shaking. "Carson's our friend, remember? He just wants to fix your hand. Doesn't it hurt?"

Sniffing, Sheppard sat up and held out his hand to McKay. "Hurts."

"I know. Come on, stand up. You can do it." McKay helped Sheppard to his feet and guided him over to a bed. "Can you sit here and let Carson look at your hand?" The colonel looked panicked and McKay took his good hand and held it. "I'll be right here the whole time."

Sheppard relaxed and let Carson unwrap his hand. The doctor shot McKay an exasperated look but kept his voice very quiet. "This needs stitches." He went to get the suture supplies and a hypodermic and when he came back, the colonel started to get up at the sight of the needle.

"Don't like shots."

McKay locked eyes with his friend. "John? It's going be okay. Just look at me, okay? Don't think about the needle." He nodded to Carson and went on talking in that soothing voice and although Sheppard was trembling, he didn't protest any more as the doctor stitched and bandaged his hand.

"There. All finished." Carson smiled at Sheppard. "How about a nap?"

"Can Rondy stay?"

"Sure, I'll stay. You lie down and I'll sit right here until you go to sleep." McKay took a seat beside the bed and Sheppard curled up, facing him and clutching his hand tightly. It wasn't until he was fully asleep that his grip finally loosened and let McKay go.


	4. Chapter 4

McKay stuck his head in the door of Elizabeth Weir's office. "You got a minute?"

"Of course. In fact, I've been wanting to have a word with you." She gestured to a chair and the scientist fell into it, sighing. "You look exhausted."

"I thought it was hard to keep up with John before…" McKay faltered, then went on. "It's twice as hard now. Do you know he can still activate every piece of Ancient technology? I wouldn't dare take him for a ride in a puddle jumper. He'd probably drive it straight into the ocean. And he gets so fascinated every time something turns on that he just wants to play with it, and we still don't know what half of it does or if it's harmful or not."

"Where is he now?"

"Sparring with Ronon." At her shocked look, McKay held up a hand. "Ronon just stands there and lets John hit him. And John knows that Ronon is the only one he's allowed to fight with. You know, it's amazing how patient Ronon is with him."

"He's not the only one." Weir looked pointedly at McKay and the scientist dropped his bright, false smile.

"What else can I do, Elizabeth? He'll spend a little time with Ronon or Teyla, and once, just once, he went for a walk with Major Lorne. He likes to watch Zelenka in the lab, and he loves seeing you activate the gate. And that's it. I'm the only one he's really comfortable with for any length of time. Maybe it's because I was the first one he saw when he woke up. He imprinted on me, like a duckling."

Weir bit back a smile. "Somehow I don't think that's it." Her face took on a grave expression. "Rodney, you know John can't stay here now. Everything is a danger to him, and he's a danger to the city. If he didn't have such a powerful Ancient gene…"

"I know." McKay ran his hand over his face. "I've put a lot of thought into it and I just can't see any other way. He's got to go back to Earth."

Weir sat back in her chair. "I thought I'd have to fight you on this."

McKay shrugged. "There's nothing to fight about. Zelenka can take over for me, and…"

"Wait a minute. What does Zelenka have to do with this?"

"You can't expect me to let John go back to Earth by himself." Now it was McKay who looked shocked. "He's got the mind of a five year old. He can't begin to take care of himself. They'll institutionalize him."

Weir said carefully, "There's nothing we can do about that."

"I can go with him. Get a house with a big backyard where he can run around all he wants, and I'll take care of him."

Weir looked incredulous. "I don't think that's a good idea. It's better if he gets used to being without you, Rodney."

McKay folded his arms. "I don't see why. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of him. I have plenty of money, more than enough to provide for him."

"It's not the money." Weir took a deep breath. "I'm wondering if you've really thought about what it would be like, being a full-time caretaker to a man in John's condition. You would face a lot of challenges you may not be equipped for."

"Such as?"

"Such as, John is essentially five years old and you've never been good with children."

McKay's jaw jutted stubbornly. "That's because I never applied myself. I get along fine with my niece Madison."

"I'm sure you do, but there's a difference between visiting a child and living with one full time."

"I'm not stupid, Elizabeth. I know it won't be easy." McKay paused, arranging his thoughts. "And it's not like I'm doing this out of guilt, or some noble reason like John deserves it. He does deserve it, but that's not the reason." He hesitated, then went on softly. "It's the most selfish reason in the world. If John goes back to Earth and I stay here on Atlantis, I'm going to be miserable. I can't let him go. I'm happier around him. Even the way he is now. And he likes being with me. It's that simple."

Weir said delicately, "Rodney, this could be the rest of your life. Are you really willing to make a sacrifice like that?"

"For John? Yes. Get used to the idea, Elizabeth, because I already told Zelenka I'm resigning my position here. I'll get him up to speed on my projects, but then I'm taking John home."

Weir was silent as McKay left her office. He was the most annoying arrogant person she had ever met. She had known since arriving in Atlantis that he was also one of the bravest, with a kind heart he didn't show nearly enough. Now she had glimpsed something more, a capacity for love that left her feeling strangely humble. She didn't know what the future held for John Sheppard, but for the first time since he had been carried through the gate, she felt that he was going to be all right.


	5. Chapter 5

_Two months later:_

Jeannie Miller walked through the airport terminal, peering around for her brother and finally spotting him over by the luggage carousel. "Meredith! Over here!"

McKay smiled and waved back and she hurried over to give him a hug. He hugged her back with one arm, the other hand holding the wrist of the man next to him, and she stepped back and looked at them both. Her brother seemed different, relaxed and harassed at the same time as he said, "John, do you remember my sister?"

Sheppard studied her and she wanted to cry. It was plain he didn't remember her at all and she put out a hand. "I'm Jeannie, John. Meredith has told me all about you."

He looked confused. "Who's Merdith?"

"Um, Jeannie, I know you like calling me by my first name, but let's not confuse him, okay? Just call me Rodney."

Sheppard pulled on McKay's sleeve. "Rondy, who's Merdith?"

McKay sighed with exasperation. "My sister forgot my name for a minute, John. It's okay. She remembers it now, right, sis?"

Jeannie swallowed her tears and smiled brightly. "Of course, Rodney. It's so good of you and John to meet my plane."

Sheppard was pulling on his arm and McKay said firmly, "John, we're not going anywhere until Jeannie gets her luggage." He looked at his sister. "Please tell me you don't have a lot of bags."

"No, just the one. And there it is." Jeannie lifted her bag off the carousel and set it on the floor, pulling up the handle and popping out the wheels. "Where's your car?" They started to walk and Sheppard looked longingly at the bag. "Would you like to pull it, John?"

He nodded and she gave him the handle, her brother thanking her wordlessly as Sheppard pulled the bag along. "Look, Rondy!"

"I see." McKay smiled. "Thank you for helping Jeannie with the bag."

They headed outside, Sheppard bouncing along at her brother's side, and tears threatened again as McKay made his friend stop at the curb and look both ways before stepping off and walking over to a mid-size sedan. He unlocked the doors and settled his friend in the back seat, locking the doors again before opening the trunk.

Jeannie gave him a look. "You're being very careful."

McKay lifted her bag into the trunk. "I have to be. The least little thing distracts him and he takes off. I have kid locks on the back doors-the first time I took him for a ride he was sitting in the front seat and he jumped out of the car while it was moving because he saw something that interested him."

"My God. Was he hurt?"

"Yes, he was hurt. He broke his arm. He just got the cast off last week." McKay's voice was flat but Jeannie was a parent herself and she could hear the guilt and pain her brother was trying to hide. "After that, I always put him in the car first and lock the doors. Look at him." Sheppard had twisted around in his seat belt and was trying to look out the rear window. McKay frowned and shook his head and his friend sat straight again.

"It's good he listens to you."

McKay locked the trunk. "Yeah, he's pretty good about that. He's impulsive, but as long as I stick close and keep an eye on him, he's no trouble at all. And wait till you see the house. I have special entryways so he can't get out in the street and a huge yard, he loves the yard, and the whole house is so kid-proof we haven't had an accident in weeks."

McKay held the door for his sister, then got in and started the car. "Ready to go home, John?"

Sheppard sat as far forward as his seat belt would let him. "Ready, Rondy!"

"Here we go, then. Zoom, zoom." McKay raced the motor and Sheppard laughed delightedly in the back seat. "It's that commercial. You know, the one where they show the car and everybody says zoom zoom?" Jeannie nodded. "He loves that commercial."

McKay pulled out and drove down the street, Sheppard calling zoom zoom from the back seat, and Jeannie turned her head to look out the window as the tears that had been threatening to fall finally spilled from her eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

"This is beautiful, Rodney." Jeannie was impressed by the house. It was a rambling one story bungalow at the end of a quiet street with an attached garage and McKay pulled into the garage and locked the door. Jeannie got out at her side and looked around. "I don't think I've ever seen a garage that has nothing but a car in it."

McKay went over to Sheppard's door. "I don't leave a lot laying around. He puts everything in his mouth." Sheppard was trying to open his door and McKay tapped on the glass. "Hey! Remember what I told you. Seatbelt off first." Sheppard unfastened his seatbelt and McKay unlocked the door and opened it. "Hang on a minute, John. We need to get Jeannie's bag. Can you pull it in the house for her?"

His friend nodded vigorously, and McKay unlocked the trunk and took out his sister's bag and set it up. "Here you go." Sheppard took the handle and pulled the bag over to the door, then stood there, fidgeting with impatience as McKay locked the car. "Jeannie?"

She wiped her eyes. "Just a minute, Rodney. It's a little dusty in here."

"It is not." McKay was annoyed. "I installed filters that clean the air continuously. Come on. It's almost suppertime and he gets cranky when he's hungry." He unlocked the connecting door to the house and Sheppard was inside like a shot. Jeannie went inside and was surprised to find herself in a vestibule. McKay carefully locked the door to the garage, then unlocked the inside door to the house. "I told you I had special entrances."

"Are all the doors like that?"

"Not all. Just this one and the one to the street. He got out once and ran right out into the street. Fortunately no one was driving at the time but it just about gave me a heart attack." McKay opened the door. "After that, I had these vestibules put in. Only one door is unlocked at a time."

"Like the hatch on a…" Sheppard frowned. "What's that boat under the water, Rondy?"

"A submarine."

Sheppard's face lit up. "That's right!" He ran off into the house, leaving Jeannie with her bag, and she looked at Rodney.

"Where did he go?"

"Probably to his room. He likes to show off his workbook."

Jeannie pulled her bag inside and Rodney locked the door. They had barely sat down on the couch when Sheppard came flying back in with a binder. "Look what I did!"

Jeannie took the binder and opened it, swallowing hard. It was a collection of worksheets, preschool level, all completed in block print, with John Sheppard written on the top. Each one was marked in her brother's precise handwriting with comments such as "Good Job" and "Excellent Handwriting" and it was plain from the look on Sheppard's face that he was proud of his work.

"It's wonderful, John," said Jeannie. "I can see you did a lot of hard work."

Rodney smiled. "John, you can show Jeannie the yard while I fix supper. What do you want tonight?"

"Macaroni and cheese."

"Again? We had that last night and the night before that. You're going to turn into a macaroni and cheese."

Sheppard laughed and ran around the room. "Macaroni and cheese! Macaroni and cheese!"

"Okay, okay. I'll get it started. Go show Jeannie the yard."


	7. Chapter 7

They ate at a small table in a nook overlooking the backyard, and Jeannie said, "This is delicious, Rodney. I had no idea you could cook."

"It's amazing the number of things I've learned since coming back to Earth." McKay shook his head at Sheppard, who had pushed his half-finished plate away. "John, you know our deal. You have to eat _all_ your food if you want to go outside after supper."

Sheppard chewed his lip, pondering McKay's ultimatum, then pulled the plate back and dug in with his spoon again. He had already drunk a glass of orange juice and now he picked it up and showed it to McKay. "Juice, please."

McKay poured another glass and Sheppard took a sip, finished his macaroni and cheese, and drained his glass. "Am I done now?"

McKay peered at the plate and glass and smiled. "Sure, John. You can go outside."

Sheppard bolted from his chair and ran out the back door and Jeannie asked, "Don't you worry about him in the yard by himself?"

McKay was already clearing the table. "Nope. I doubt he would try getting through those thick hedges, but just in case, there's fences with sensors cued to his DNA on the other side. An alarm would go off long before he could make it over the top. And there's nothing but grass out there…"

"And a swing set and a climbing structure and a playhouse…"

"The whole yard has motion sensors. The worst that ever happened in the yard was he fell asleep once inside the playhouse. I didn't see him on the camera and went out to look for him. Bit of a scare, but he was all right. He has a lot of energy but he gets fatigued easily. I never know when he's going to go down for a nap."

He was loading the dishwasher and Jeannie said gently, "You know, you're doing an amazing job with him, Rodney." There was no response and she went on. "I mean it. He's healthy and happy and that's all you could hope for."

"He's lost a little weight," said McKay absently, unlocking the kitchen cabinet and taking out a box of dishwasher gel packs. He put one in the dishwasher and locked up the rest. "He doesn't eat food very well, but everything else goes in his mouth. Like those gel things. The first time I gave him one to put in the dishwasher he ate it instead and we had to go to the hospital and get his stomach pumped." He sighed and closed the dishwasher, then took out a key and unlocked something on the appliance, calling out the back door. "John! Dishes!"

Sheppard ran in and stood by the dishwasher, his hand hovering over the start button. McKay nodded and Sheppard pushed the button, then sat down in front of the machine and listened dreamily to the sound of the water.

McKay locked the dishwasher again and beckoned to Jeannie. "We have a little while. He'll stay there until it stops." She looked surprised and he grinned wryly. "That and the washing machine. He likes the sound of running water. The first day he ran the dishwasher non-stop for hours, so I installed a lock on the start button. Can't do anything about the sinks and the toilet, but at least he's not going to burn anything out flushing the toilet two dozen times in a row or letting the water run in the sink or the tub."

"You have a lot of tech in this house." They went into the living room and sat on the couch.

McKay sighed. "I'm just trying to make it as easy as I can on both of us. I can't watch him every second. I still work, you know."

"On what?"

"Oh, projects for Stargate Command. That's why I picked Colorado Springs. Sometimes they send data on from Atlantis when Zelenka gets stuck. I keep busy. But this house...it's the only place I can really relax. John may have the mind of a five year old but he's still got the body of a thirty-six year old soldier. He's fast and strong and it's hard for me to keep up with him when we go out. We do go out, shopping and places like the zoo. He loves the zoo, especially where you pet the animals. And once a week we go to the VA and he spends time with the wounded vets. They're the only adults who don't patronize him." McKay's face darkened. "John doesn't need anyone's pity."

"What about the people from Atlantis? Do they ever visit?"

McKay brightened. "All the time. At least once a week Ronon or Teyla show up at my door, and Carson and Elizabeth and Zelenka come every chance they get. Even Lorne's been around a few times. We're not forgotten, Jeannie. We're just private." He got up. "What do you say I show you around the house?"

It was a long tour. There were three extra bedrooms, all ready for occupancy and locked until needed, a big bathroom with a sunken tub, and a playroom filled with educational toys. "I try to find things that will stimulate his mind." McKay's room was the smallest in the house, with nothing but an oversized bed, a chair, a small desk with a lamp, and a closet half full of clothes.

"Where do you work?"

"In here." He unlocked a door and showed Jeannie a room filled with computer terminals. There was a play area with a few toys marked out inside the door with yellow tape. "John comes in sometimes when I'm working. It's the one place where he sits quietly." McKay went on pensively, "It's almost like there's a memory there of how important my work used to be to him. We depended on each other so much…"

His voice shook and Jeannie put her arms around him. "I'm so sorry, Mer."

"It's Rodney here, remember?" McKay blinked hard a few times and went across the hall. "This is John's room."

It was a large room, with another oversized bed in a frame like an airplane and shelves full of elementary grade books about flying and space travel. A bin held big wooden blocks, and there were several giant stuffed animals, including a life-sized lion.

Jeannie went to the books. "Can he read?"

"No. He just likes looking at the pictures. You saw his binder. He can count up to twenty, and he knows the alphabet. He can do simple worksheets with those concepts. That's about it."

Jeannie caught sight of a device set in the wall next to Sheppard's bed. "Is that a baby monitor?"

McKay nodded. "I put that in after our first week here. Sometimes he has nightmares. He'll come in my room once he wakes up, but he doesn't always wake up. Sometimes he just lays there whimpering in his sleep, so I got that so I'd hear him right away."

"Even in your sleep?"

"Yeah. Funny, I used to be such a heavy sleeper but now the slightest sound from John and I'm wide awake."

"Rondy!" Sheppard was standing in the door. "Dishes all done."

"Okay. Put your pajamas on." McKay gestured to his sister and they left the room. "Bedtime used to be such a hassle. He gets so tired but he doesn't want to sleep."

"I've had that problem with Madison. How did you handle it?"

"Well, once I got him into a routine it was a lot better. It's always the same. We have supper, then I clean up the kitchen and load the dishwasher while he plays in the yard. Then I call him in and he gets the dishes started. He listens to it run, then he puts on his pajamas and brushes his teeth and gets in bed. I read him a story, then it's lights out. He usually sleeps through the night, unless he has a nightmare. Then he'll either get up and come to bed with me, or I'll hear him and go get in bed with him."

"I wondered why the beds were so big."

"Now you know. I don't like being crowded, but when he's just woken up and he's crying and scared, it helps him get back to sleep if I'm there. It was so strange at first, but now…" McKay shook his head. "I guess you can adjust to just about anything."

"All done." Sheppard came out of his room in his pajamas.

"Okay." McKay took a timer out of his pocket. "Let's go brush your teeth. Two minutes, right?"

"Right!"

Jeannie drifted back into Sheppard's room, wondering if she had ever known her brother at all. She would never have believed he had it in him to care for another person like this but the love displayed in this house moved her to the core of her soul. She turned with a bright smile as Sheppard and McKay came in and her brother's friend raced over to the bed and jumped on it.

"Settle down," said McKay, pulling up a chair next to the bed. "What do you want to hear tonight?" Sheppard already had the book. "Neil Armstrong? Okay, get under the covers." McKay opened the book. _"Neil Armstrong was a great American astronaut. He was the first man to walk on the moon…"_

Jeannie watched as McKay read. Sheppard's eyes went from bright to drowsy and by the time the book was finished, he was having trouble keeping them open. He curled up, remaining determinedly awake as McKay put the book back on the shelf, then he held out his arms. McKay bent down and hugged him and Sheppard hugged him back. "I love you, Rondy."

McKay straightened up and tousled the already wild black hair. "I love you too, John."


	8. Chapter 8

_June 14, 2007_

Sheppard flew across the room and plowed into Ronon, knocking him over. "Rononon!"

"Take it easy, John. You know you're too strong for me." The big man looked up at McKay. "Teyla and Weir are right behind me. They brought a lot of stuff from Atlantis. And Zelenka and Lorne and Beckett will be here in a little while. They had some things to finish up first."

Jeannie came out of the kitchen. "The cake's just about done but I can't frost it with John there, Rodney. He keeps trying to stick his fingers in the icing." She smiled and looked from McKay to Ronon, still on the floor with Sheppard.

McKay smiled back. "I think now that Ronon's here you shouldn't have a problem."

Sheppard was pulling on Ronon. "Outside! Outside, Rononon!"

"Okay, but you gotta take it easy on me." Ronon let himself be dragged out to the yard and McKay unlocked the vestibule as more people arrived.

"Teyla, Elizabeth…" McKay frowned at the sight of all the boxes. "Did you bring half of Atlantis with you?"

Weir smiled brightly. "Now, Rodney, it's John's first birthday since...well, it's his birthday and just about everybody wanted to send something. So? Where is he?"

"In the yard." They all went to the back door and watched Sheppard chase Ronon. The big Satedan would pull away, then slow down and Sheppard would catch him and bowl him over.

"He looks good, Rodney." Teyla put an arm around the scientist and gave him a quick hug. "You've done very well with him."

"You really have." Weir looked approvingly at the scientist. "Seeing him like this, I know you were right to come back to Earth with him."

"I'm always right," said McKay with the ghost of a smile.

They went outside and Sheppard broke off from Ronon and ran up. "Lizbeth! Teya!" He threw his arms around the women and they hugged him back, then Teyla held out a small gift-wrapped box.

"Happy birthday, John."

Sheppard took the box and tore it open, spilling beads all over the ground. "Sorry."

"That's all right." Teyla sat down on the ground. "Help me pick them up and then we can string them."

He dropped to the ground next to her and they started on their project. McKay cleared his throat. "I'm going to see how Jeannie's doing." He went back into the house, the bittersweet conflict tearing at him as always. He liked knowing their friends thought he was doing a good job with Sheppard, but at the same time, the grief that his friend needed caring for was more than he could bear.

He went into the kitchen and watched Jeannie frost the cake. It looked like a puddle jumper and he asked, "Where did you get the specs to make something like that?"

"Your friend Dr Weir sent them to me." His sister frowned with concentration as she picked up a black frosting tube and began to draw details. "Does it look right? Do you think he'll like it?"

"I think he'll love it. Thanks, sis." The doorbell rang and McKay went to unlock the vestibule. "Zelenka! How's it going? Lorne, glad you could make it. Carson."

The doctor was the last one to come in. "I wasn't sure I should come, considering how shy he is with me."

McKay pulled Beckett in and locked the vestibule. "He just always starts out thinking you want to give him a shot. You know that he's always glad to see you."

Beckett looked around. "Is everybody here?"

"They're all in the yard. Come on, Carson."

The two men went out into the yard and Sheppard ran up to McKay, then stopped when he saw Beckett. The doctor smiled. "Hello, John."

Sheppard turned his head away and regarded Beckett out of the corner of his eye. "Carson?"

"Oh, sure, your name he gets right," huffed McKay.

The doctor smiled. "Aye, lad." He held out a hand.

Sheppard leaned away, then reached out hesitantly and took the doctor's hand. "It's my birthday."

"I know." Carson shook his hand. "Happy birthday, John."

"Everybody came." Sheppard took Carson over to Elizabeth, then Teyla. He walked him around the yard until he had said hello to everybody, then went back to McKay. "Look what I made." He held up a string of bronze beads with thin silver inlays.

Rodney inspected it. "This is very good, John." He handed it back to Sheppard and his friend tied it around his wrist. "For me?"

Sheppard nodded. "Now you have a present too."

Everybody seemed to have something in their eyes as Rodney smiled at Sheppard. "Thank you, John." His friend yawned, and McKay steered him towards the house. "I think you could use a nap."

They all watched as McKay took Sheppard into the house. "I still can hardly believe it," said Zelenka. "When you think what Rodney used to be like…"

"He's changed a lot," said Teyla.

"Yes, he has." Elizabeth shook her head. "I admit I had my doubts about Rodney taking care of John but he's done a wonderful job."

Beckett nodded. "And John's made so much improvement. Did you notice he's talking more?" He sighed. "Sometimes I think about what would have happened to him if Rodney hadn't stepped in like he has. Do you ever wonder why he did it?"

They all nodded, except for Ronon. "I never wondered about it."

"Never once?" Teyla regarded him with surprise. "How could you not?"

Ronon's eyes clouded. "If I ever wondered why McKay did it, I'd have to wonder why I didn't."


	9. Chapter 9

McKay came out of the house. "He's fast asleep." He tapped a device on his wrist, checking that the baby monitor was sending a clear signal, and smiled at the guests. "When he goes down like that, he usually sleeps for half an hour, but with all the excitement he'll probably get up earlier. Can I get anybody anything to drink?"

"Rodney, you sit," said Jeannie. "Let us wait on you for a change." She held out her hand with a stern look.

He surrendered his key ring. "You always were bossy."

Jeannie touched her brother briefly on the shoulder, then went around and took drink orders. Ronon followed her into the house to help her and the others gathered around McKay.

"I see John's lost the beard," said Elizabeth.

"Thanks to Zelenka," said McKay.

"Huh? Me? What did I do?" The Czech scientist was equal parts startled and interested.

"Remember you sent that picture of John and me in our BDUs?"

"What about it?"

McKay smiled. "John took one look at that and decided he wanted to look like himself again. I got him an electric razor, one of the kind you can use wet or dry, and now he shaves every morning."

"And the hair?" asked Beckett. "Last time I was here, I thought he was trying to look like Ronon."

The big Satedan had returned with Jeannie and handed Beckett a beer. "I thought it was an improvement," he grinned.

McKay chuckled. "He always went with me to the barber but he would never let him cut his hair. Then that picture came and he printed it out and insisted on going for a haircut. The barber wanted to know if his hair was full of gel or something in the picture and I said no, it just grows like that. Now we go every week to get his hair cut."

"It cannot possibly grow that fast," said Teyla.

"It doesn't. When he doesn't need a haircut the barber just washes it and pretends to cut it. He's a good guy. He knows John was a soldier, and he has a nephew who came back from Afghanistan with some issues, so he's very understanding of a wounded vet."

They were all silent for a moment, then the back door banged open and Sheppard raced out. "Cake now!"

"I had a feeling he wasn't going to stay down too long," said McKay. He held out his hand and Sheppard ran up and grabbed it. "Cake, Rondy!"

"First you eat, then we sing happy birthday, then we have cake. Now what do you want? A hamburger or a hot dog?"

"A hot dog with mayonnaise."

McKay groaned. "Seriously? If I make it, you're going to eat it."

Sheppard was already hovering at the grill and being fended off by Carson. "Careful, lad."

"All right," said McKay. "Go sit down and I'll bring you your hot dog with _mayonnaise_." He prepared it, muttering to Beckett, "He comes up with the weirdest combinations sometimes."

"It's a whole new world to him, Rodney. Will you make him eat it if he doesn't like it?"

"No, of course not, but so far he hasn't not liked anything. In fact, when he puts food together like this, he usually eats it for a few days in a row before he wants something different. I might have to stock up on hot dogs and mayonnaise. He's not a good eater."

"He _has_ gotten a little thin." Beckett scanned Sheppard with the eye of a doctor. "John was never fat, but that's a little too lean for my liking."

"Mine too. The doctor says he's perfectly healthy, even though he's a little underweight. Nothing to worry about, but…"

"But you worry."

"I have to, Carson." McKay poured some orange juice in a cup. "I don't think I could stand it if anything else happened to him."

He took the hot dog to Sheppard and sat next to him, holding the juice while his friend took a big bite. "How is it, John?" Sheppard nodded his approval and took another bite. "Slow down. Here." McKay handed him the juice and he took a sip, then finished the hot dog and gulped the juice.

"Cake now?"

McKay smiled. "Sure, John. Jeannie, will you do the honors?"

This time it was Teyla who went with Jeannie into the house and they came out with the puddle jumper cake ablaze with candles. They set it on the long table next to the grill and the yard rang with the birthday song while McKay held onto Sheppard, who was jiggling with eagerness to get at the cake. Finally the song was over and he approached the table, only to shrink back from the candles.

"Rondy?"

"You have to blow them all out, John, then you get a wish. Look, we'll all help." Everybody bent over the cake and blew and Sheppard let out a small puff of air in the direction of the cake. The candles went out and he jumped with excitement.

"All out! What do I wish?"

"You can wish for whatever you want." McKay took the first piece of cake and handed it to Sheppard, and his friend sat right down and started in on it. McKay knelt next to him.

"John, I have to leave for a little while, okay? Remember I told you I had a very special present for you?"

"Like a puppy?"

"Better than a puppy. Jeannie's going to watch you until I get back." The others were trading puzzled glances but McKay only had eyes for Sheppard. He had dreaded this moment. It was the first time he was leaving his friend, but with luck it would never have to happen again. Sheppard looked a little scared and Ronon and Teyla sat down next to him.

"We will be here too, John," said the Athosian woman. Ronon nodded and smiled and then Beckett and Weir and Zelenka and Lorne sat down too.

"We'll all be here, colo...John," said Lorne, catching himself. It confused Sheppard to be called anything but John but it was a hard habit for Lorne to break. To him, Sheppard would always be Colonel.

"See? Everybody's here, and I'll be back as quick as I can. Okay?" McKay held his breath.

"Okay, Rondy." Sheppard returned to his cake and McKay stood, his heart pounding.

"Don't be too long," said Jeannie softly.

"I won't. You know his routine, though, in case I get held up?"

Jeannie nodded. "I can handle it."

She was surprised when Rodney pulled her into a fierce hug. "Thanks, sis. Did I ever tell you you're the best ever?"

Jeannie pulled back and looked her brother searchingly in the face. "Rodney, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing." McKay wiped his eyes. "It's just...it's the first time we've all been together since…"

"It's okay," said Jeannie hastily. "Go ahead. You know, you never did tell me what this mysterious present is."

McKay looked wistfully at Sheppard, his mouth smeared with chocolate frosting, laughing and happy in the middle of their friends. It was a picture to be cherished forever, and he turned away reluctantly. "It's kind of hard to explain, but I'm pretty sure it'll be the best present John ever got in his whole life."


	10. Chapter 10

Sergeant Walter Harriman started as the gate began to dial itself. "What the…" He pressed buttons, at first calmly, then more frantically, then hit an intercom. "General Landry! We have a problem!"

Landry hurried into the control room. "What's wrong?"

"The gate is activating."

The general frowned. "Unscheduled offworld activation?"

"No, sir. Someone here."

"Here?" Landry looked around.

"I don't know exactly, sir, but it's definitely on our end."

"Shut it down, Walter."

"I've been trying, sir, but I'm locked out of the computer."

Both men fell silent as a puddle jumper floated down in front of the gate as it activated. Then it was away and the wormhole collapsed.

"Who was in that jumper?" asked Landry.

"I don't know, sir." Walter was scanning his computer. "All I can tell you is they were headed for the Pegasus galaxy."

"Can you warn them they're about to have a visitor?"

"No, sir." Walter's voice was tight with frustration. "I'm completely locked out of the computer."


	11. Chapter 11

McKay arrived at Midway and was away again in seconds. He knew it took thirty minutes to travel from the Milky Way to Pegasus, but it never felt that way. It felt like going through a gate from one planet to another, instantaneous, and he could only hope his computer hack would hold long enough to get him to Atlantis before Stargate Command warned of the stolen puddle jumper. He couldn't afford to be stopped now and he breathed a sigh of relief as he came out into Atlantis' gate room, barely registering the shocked faces of the scientists and soldiers before he flew to the jumper bay and activated the device in the back, the one that took a person through time. There was a ripple, and he opened the jumper door and peered out cautiously. No one was there, and he walked out of the bay, going to his quarters first and then the cafeteria.

Sheppard and Teyla and Ronon were sitting at a table, laughing and talking over breakfast, and at the sight of the colonel, McKay suddenly felt dizzy. Sheppard saw the color drain from the scientist's face and jumped up, steadying McKay as he started to sway. "Take it easy, buddy." He brought him over to the table and sat him down and the scientist put his head in his hands.

"Rodney, what is wrong?" asked Teyla.

McKay sat up. The Athosian woman was regarding him with worry, Ronon didn't seem to have noticed anything unusual but was ready to spring into action, and Sheppard...the colonel was right next to him, his hand on his shoulder. The scientist swallowed hard, fighting the impulse to throw his arms around his friend. McKay had taken Sheppard back to Earth fully expecting to care for him for the rest of his life. Then he went to work for Stargate command, found out about the time jumper on Earth, and realized it was the one chance he had of giving Sheppard back his life. It had taken him months to work it all out, how to hack the computer and steal a jumper and acquire and activate the time device, but McKay would have done anything, dared anything, and the shock of actually being here almost bowled him over. He took a deep breath. It could still all go wrong. He mustn't fail now when it mattered the most. "I'm good. I'm just...hungry. You know I'm hypoglycemic."

Sheppard looked anxious but the familiar complaint reassured him. "You going to be okay for the mission? You know we have a recon this morning."

"Oh, sure. I'm fine." McKay wiped his forehead and Teyla took his hand.

"Rodney, where did you get this?"

He looked at the bronze beads tied around his wrist. "I forgot I had it on."

"These are very special Athosian beads. No one would ever sell them." Teyla was perplexed. "They are given by an adult to a beloved child."

Rodney's eyes filled with tears but he sternly forced them back. "I don't remember where I got them, Teyla. Are they sacred or something? Do you want them back?"

"They are not mine. If you have them, they must have been meant for you." She sat back, shaking her head.

"McKay, you better get something to eat." Sheppard looked at his watch. "We're due in the gate room in half an hour."

"Oh. Yes. Yes, of course." McKay hurried over to the buffet and returned with a plate. "You guys go on ahead and I'll catch up."

The team traded looks but left without protest and McKay pushed his plate away. His stomach was too knotted up for him to eat, so close to the fateful mission on which Sheppard had been lost.


	12. Chapter 12

They moved quietly through the brush, McKay concentrating harder than he ever had in his life. Too soon and they might miss the ambush. Too late and Sheppard would be gone again. He felt ready to jump out of his skin with tension and he hadn't missed the looks the other three were giving him.

"You sure you're all right, McKay?" Sheppard asked.

The scientist swallowed hard. It was now or never. "I think I heard something."

Ronon and Teyla stopped and looked around. "I hear nothing," said the Athosian woman.

"Me either." Ronon frowned.

"No, I'm sure I heard something." McKay pointed. "Over there."

Ronon and Teyla split up, circling around behind the area McKay had indicated, and there was a brief sound of fighting, then half a dozen men were herded into the clearing, Kolya in the lead, their hands laced behind their necks. Ronon and Teyla had their guns on the captives and Sheppard was already grinning wolfishly at the thought of taking Kolya back to Atlantis when McKay pulled out the zat gun and fired. Kolya went down screaming and Sheppard turned a shocked face to McKay. He was shouting something and throwing himself at the scientist but McKay sidestepped him and fired another shot at Kolya. Not content with his death, McKay fired a third time and Kolya vanished from the universe.

The other Genii cowered as Sheppard wrestled the gun away from McKay. "Rodney? Rodney!" He slapped the scientist across the face and quailed as McKay met his eyes. Sheppard had too much darkness in himself not to recognize the sight of it in another person, but he would have bet everything he would ever own that Rodney McKay didn't have a dark side. To see it in him was a shock so great that for a moment Sheppard felt light-headed. He held onto McKay's tactical vest and snapped harshly at Ronon and Teyla, "Let them go." The Genii scrambled off and Sheppard closed his eyes, trying desperately to calm himself. "Ronon, Teyla, go back to Atlantis. Tell them we ran into an ambush but we beat off the attackers. And that McKay and me will be a little longer." He glared at them fiercely. "And _don't_ tell them about Kolya."

They nodded and left without a word and Sheppard pulled McKay down to the ground. He felt worse than light-headed now, he felt sick, and he had to take a moment before he finally got out a single word. " _Why_?"

McKay was lost in the memory of a thirty seven year old man with the mind of a child. _I love you, Rondy. I love you too, John._ There were tears in his eyes as he finally said dully, "I had to make sure he could never hurt you again."

Sheppard was rocked by the answer. He knew McKay had seen what Kolya did to him, feeding him to a starving Wraith. All of his friends had seen it, but he was the one who had suffered it and he had assumed he was the only one with nightmares. A wave of guilt washed over him as he thought of McKay being haunted by what had happened and now he choked out, "God, Rodney, I'm sorry…"

McKay looked up so suddenly Sheppard was startled. "What are you sorry for?"

"Well…" Sheppard floundered. "You...I didn't know what Kolya did to me was bothering you so much. I still have nightmares about that Wraith coming at me…"

"So that's what your nightmares were about?"

Sheppard didn't notice the odd form of the question. "Yeah. Not often, but sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat, thinking I'm about to be fed on again."

McKay closed his eyes. "I wish you had told me."

"Well, if I'd known you were this upset about it, I would have." Sheppard's voice turned hard. "But killing an unarmed prisoner, we don't do that no matter what they've done."

McKay wrapped his arms around himself. "I don't care. You can send me back to Earth or throw me in the brig or shoot me right here, and I'll still say it was worth it. You're safe from him now. That's all that matters."

Sheppard frowned, his mind racing. McKay's reaction when he came into the cafeteria, the beads, the fierce alertness the scientist had shown from the moment they came through the gate onto this world...And just how had McKay known about Kolya and his men? Sheppard hadn't heard anything, and he couldn't believe Ronon and Teyla had missed a sound the scientist picked up. "Rodney," he said slowly, "what aren't you telling me?"

For one brief moment, McKay considered telling Sheppard everything. The constant worry and sorrow, the pride whenever Sheppard mastered a new skill, the joy of making him happy in their home on Earth. The times his friend had driven him crazy or scared him to death, the nights he had held Sheppard in his arms and soothed his nightmares...McKay sighed. He couldn't talk about these things. They were reflections of Sheppard's soul in a time that was never meant to be. The scientist got to his feet. "What's done is done, John. All I want to know is what you're going to do about it."

Sheppard stood too. "There's nothing to do about it. We don't even have a body." He weighed the zat gun in his hand. "I didn't know you had one of these."

"I acquired it recently."

"I see." Sheppard tucked it away in his vest. "I think I'll hold onto it."

"Fine with me." McKay shrugged and started back to the gate. "I don't need it any more."

Sheppard fell into step beside him. "You know, McKay, if you ever want to talk…"

"I know." McKay turned a searching look on his friend. "The same goes for you. If you have a nightmare, you can always come bang on my door. I'd rather get up than think you're dealing with it by yourself."

Sheppard smiled a little. "I'll keep that in mind."

They reached the gate and Sheppard dialed Atlantis, walking through to find himself confronted with a furious Rodney McKay. "Where is he?"

Sheppard spun around to see the gate shut down, then turned back. "McKay?"

The scientist sprinted up the stairs and dialed the gate. The vortex shot out and he ran down the stairs and into the wormhole. Sheppard dove in after him and they came out on the other side almost simultaneously.

McKay scanned the area. "He couldn't have gone far…"

Sheppard grabbed the scientist by the shoulders and shook him. "You want to tell me what's going on?"

"He said he came back to set things right." McKay was still seething. "He came to my quarters and said something had gone wrong and he had to fix it. Then he shot me with a zat gun and tied me up! Did he go with you?" Sheppard nodded and McKay's voice went up a notch. "And you couldn't tell it wasn't me?"

"Well, if he came from the future, he _was_ you!"

"No, I'm me!"

"I hate quantum mechanics," growled the colonel. He fell silent, then said slowly, "What do you think he came to fix?"

"I have no idea." McKay was calmer now, thinking it over. "It must have been something pretty terrible for him to risk changing the timeline." He snapped his fingers. "And he must have succeeded. That's why he's not here. Once the past changed, his future never happened, so he just disappeared. It has to have been this recon. What happened?"

Sheppard blanched. "We captured Kolya and his men. The other McKay warned us of an ambush. Maybe...maybe someone was killed the first time around." Their eyes locked as they considered whose death would have made McKay desperate enough to go back in time and Sheppard went on with difficulty. "I let the men go. McKay...the other McKay…he used the zat gun on Kolya. Three times. Kolya's gone."

The scientist considered this, then said flatly, "I'm glad I'm the one who got to kill him."

Sheppard felt a chill as he saw the darkness in McKay's eyes and suddenly he wanted nothing more than to get away from this planet. "I'd rather not think about it. Let's just go home."


	13. Chapter 13

_Epilogue:_

 _McKay came to the door, yawning. "John? It's three o'clock in the morning."_

 _Sheppard grinned wryly. "Yeah, I shouldn't have bothered you…"_

 _"No, that's okay. Come on in." McKay sat down on his bed and Sheppard took a chair facing him._

 _"Thanks, Rodney. I was having trouble sleeping." The colonel took a deep breath, then said softly, "I had a nightmare and I didn't want to be alone. I know it's stupid, but…"_

 _McKay shrugged. "Hey, I'd rather have you wake me up than you deal with it by yourself."_

 _The colonel relaxed. He'd never know what happened the first time around with Kolya, but it didn't matter. He'd gotten some good advice from the other McKay, and sitting here now with **his** McKay, Sheppard felt better already._


End file.
